Nov 5, 2018

My missing piece....

Assalamualaikum and hi readers,

On the 3rd October 2018, I found out I was 4 months pregnant. Nothing is happier than knowing you're finally having a child growing up inside your tummy. I was lucky that I had no morning sickness other than bloating and backpain. Since then, i just rest and did nothing at home. Asyraf helped me a lot. He's excited and bought me everything i wanted to eat. His family, they were very happy. My in laws, Asyraf's grandparents got me all kind of meals I wanted to eat. 

We had our first scan on my 6th week. Everything was fine. But it was too early to find the hearbeat! But I'm grateful that it's not ectopic pregnancy. So we brought back the scan image home and placed it on the refrigerator so that we can see it everyday. The doc advised us to come again in another 4 weeks, when I'm at 10th weeks of pregnancy.

On 30th of October, I was at office when I felt something came out. I went to the ladies and noticed there was a blood spot. It should be normal because it's the blood that came out during the implantation took place. I went home later that evening and told Asyraf not to worry because I thought it was normal.

The next morning I woke up and went to the toilet. This time, I had more blood coming out than the day before, but I wasn't in pain. Asyraf is leaving to Janda Baik for his office meeting. I told him that I'm gonna see the doc first before work. Asyraf hug and told me this,

"Promise me, whatever the doc says, you must be strong"

I burst into tears because I know something is not right. But I was so positive that time. Because I have friend who bleeds during her early pregnancy. Also, I don't have pain. Why should I worry.

I arrived clinic around 9am and met the doc. He scanned my tummy, and this time I can see my baby. He's there. Last time I couldn't see him, he was too small. But the doc wasn't happy because there was a thin line inside the sac. The line should attached to the edge of the sac. I knew it's not a good sign. The doc said nothing and he was so positive but I still can see he's worried. He also couldn't find the heartbeat. But he said, it might be because it's too early. So he referred me to QHC Medical Centre in Taipan USJ. A specialist on gynecology.

I went there around 11.30am. Asyraf was on his way home. I asked him to come straight to the clinic. He was nearby when the doc called me in. I was hoping for him to be with me but it turned out better for me to go alone because I'm much stronger to receive any bad news alone. 

So I explained to the doc my condition. He said no worries, let's do the scan. So he scanned my tummy. He said, 

"wahh, baby dah besar"

I was so happy. Again i can see my baby was there. After a few seconds, his face changed. I told the doc, I have clots coming out and I knew it's not a good sign. The doc just nodded his head. He then said

"I couldn't find the heartbeat"

I said nothing because I might cry if i talk. The doctor pressed a few buttons on the big machine. And a few blue and red dots appeared on the screen. The red dot means oxygenated blood and the blue means deoxygenated blood. But no dots were seen on my baby. 

"There's no presence of blood on the baby's image. I'm sorry, you lost your pregnancy miss"

I looked into the doc's eyes, and said "it's okay doc, let me know what should i do next"

I was so calm until Asyraf arrived when I was at the counter to pay for the bills. He hugged me and when we walked out of the hospital I hold his arm and cried.....Asyraf lost his words.

I was in that crying state for 2 days. Asyraf was excused from his meeting. I received a lot of support from my families and friends. Even my father in law came to my house the same day I lost my baby. Asyraf's family is very supportive.

And most importantly, my husband. He did everything he could to cheer me up. Asyraf is a funny guy (when he's with me) He ALWAYS makes me laugh and smile, at ALL time, days and nights. He filled my life with love and care that I can never dream of. He was and is there whenever I open my eyes especially now, when I lost the missing piece that I long to have, my child :(






Jul 30, 2018

Back to sewing

Assalamualaikum and hi readers!

So Asyraf is away. This time is longer than before. But he's being extra romantic when he's away. I hate the feeling of being alone dekat rumah. Rasa serba tak kena. 

He left on Saturday. I sent him to airport and the flight was scheduled to be departed at 11.10am. So after dah salam-salam he went into the departure hall. I walked back to the car. About 10 minutes leaving KLIA, he called me and said that the flight delayed to 2pm. I immediately turned back and headed to KLIA. At least we got a couple of hours more before staying apart for a week :(

I arrived home around 2 or so. I sat on the couch for about 20 mins and I was blurred. I didn't even know what to do next. And knowing the fact that I'll be alone for a week, is so heartbreaking. I hate being clingy, but that's what Asyraf taught me indirectly. I have no idea how did you guys survived long distance relationship!

Suddenly I remembered that there's one day that I bought 2 meters long cloth. That was intended to jahit seluar for me. But you know, to start sewing is so hard. Asyraf dah banyak kali tanya, bila nak start? Apa lagi barang tak ada? Well he bought me a new sewing machine (Brother JA1400). The best part is, this sewing machine can seam the edge. So I don't have to hantar kedai untuk jahit tepi. Yeay!!

Then I took the cloth, started to cut. But not to turn it out to a pants but a blouse. So it took me around 4 hours untuk siapkan sehelai blouse (From scratch). I'm impressed. So now that I have the semangat untuk menjahit, then I need more cloth. 

The next day I left home for Nagoya to get some kain. I managed to get the design that I wanted. I started to cut the cloth around 4pm and around 9pm, I dah siapkan myself a new mini kurung. In less than 6 hours :)

I had to cover my face, I'm having an allergy medication. My eyes are swollen like a goldfish!

I'm sooooo happy. Asyraf too!! I posted this on my ig story and thank you for the positive feedback received. But some of my friends were asking me to ambil upah menjahit. Even Asyraf is suggesting me to do so. It makes a lot of money actually. Maybe not for now. InsyAllah in future :) So last night I terus basuh that baju and today I'm feeling extra energetic going to work sebab dapat pakai baju baru!



I have another mini kurung coming!

Update 1st Aug 2018 : I dah siapkan another two! Hehe


Love,
Azreen

Jul 16, 2018

Valuing A Relationship



Assalamualaikum and hi readers!

It's Monday again huh? Feeling extra sleepy today even though I didn't stay up for the final match of World Cup. I tried, but I was lost in the dream after the first goal scored by France! And the next thing I knew was my husband was carrying me into the room. Well, he did that everyday. Lucky me!! We spend most of our time in the living area. My husband with his computer and me with the TV. That's the reason why I always end up sleeping on the couch.

This is my husband's area 

Anyway readers, yesterday I was scrolling my Instagram and saw an IG Story of someone and she was answering questions from her followers. One of the questions was, How To Move On? I was so shocked with her answer. Well maybe not for some of you! She said, to move on is to get yourself in a rebound relationship or to find a new boyfriend.

Well, breakups are bad news for anyone and, going straight out and dating someone else might seem like the perfect remedy for the breakup blues, but rebound relationships rarely work out. But to start over is not easy. The best thing to do after a break up is to give yourself some time to heal before you start dating again, and then you will be in the right frame of mind to start looking for proper romance again. 

Most people who get themselves into a rebound relationship are doing it for entirely the wrong reasons. Start a relationship only when you found the right one. Why are you afraid of being single and choose to settle for a second best. I know it's gonna take a whole lot of process in knowing someone. But girl, don't jump into a relationship to soon. There are a lot of effort you can take to help you to move on. Girl, it's never easy to move on. There'll be a lot of crying of course! But please value the relationship. To be in love is something beautiful and let the feeling comes naturally. Not by trying and let's see what's next.

If you think dating on the rebound will wipe your mind clear of all thoughts about your ex, then you will be disappointed. Your ex will still be fresh in your mind, with or without a new partner in tow, and dating won’t make things any easier.

Relax, take time to reflect on the relationship that just ended.

Love,
Azreen

Jul 13, 2018

To be Tested - Believing and Accepting


Assalamualaikum and hi readers!


Earlier today I received a message from my friend. She's not in a good condition. She told me that his ex is getting married. But they just broke up 3 months ago and this is so sudden for her.


Reading the text relate me back to my story. It's a same story but I wasn't in her shoe but in his ex's. She left him for some reason and and now she's regretting her decision. I feel sorry for her and totally understand her feeling. Broken, hurt, sad, anger, everything is there. 


But looking back on the positive side, as a muslim, we must strongly BELIEVE and ACCEPT that none happens without His will. 

From birth to death, there are hundreds of such conditions which are beyond our power. Qada' and Qadar Allah is a deep ocean, you should not enter it, which means never question why is this happening. But one thing for sure we can be confident that whatever is decreed is because of some good reason. 

I know it hurts. But the only way out is to go through it. Never ever look back. Your ex is starting a new life. I know for him/her pun mungkin susah jugak to accept this. But being abandoned and to be left made us broken inside. And those people who suffered that shall do anything to get themselves healed. And that's what I felt and I decided to grab whatever chance I had for happiness. 

I'm sorry for those who have to go through this. But be strong! Make yourself busy and keep praying. It's the most powerful weapon for Muslim. Keep praying for you to meet the right one and to let all the memories go. But be careful, memories don't fade easily. It can come flooded in your mind tiba-tiba je. That's where you must be strong :) 

It's okay to be sad and to cry, but always be strong!


Love, 

Azreen


Jun 7, 2018

The Miracle We Met



Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Finally I started to write again. But this post is going to be the restart count for upcoming post(s) (if any). I have to hide the old posts I've made due to a few reasons and of course, for not letting you guys to know how childish I was back then. Hehehe

Alhamdulillah. Life's getting better. I'm now married to a lovely husband whom I met approximately 9 months ago - where the miracle started to happen.

For those who know me in person, you'll definitely know my past. But remember the word of wisdom? Let by gone be by gone. I'm now letting them all go. Slowly but surely. 

The way I figure it, everyone gets a miracle. Like, I will probably never be struck by lightening, or win a Nobel Prize, or become the queen, marrying a king of a kingdom in the Pacific Islands. But if you consider all the unlikely things together, at least one of them will probably happen to each of us. I could have seen it rain money. I could have stepped foot on Mars. But my miracle was different. My miracle was this: out of all the faces I drew, I ended up drawing the face of my husband. And this happened 14 years ago. I met my husband in August 2018. 


When I first saw him in person, I always have the feeling of knowing him even before we met. But I can never recall my memory - sudah tua! until I went back to my kampung and start digging out my old stuffs. Then only I realized why I felt like I knew him! Also I realized that I was so berangan back then sampai boleh lukis-lukis muka a guy whom I never met.

So fast forward today, it has been a month since I marry him. Again, it's true what the wisdom word says,if you can love the wrong person that much imagine how much you can love the right one. I can never imagine myself could give this huge amount of love and care to my husband. And my love for him grows everyday. I thought I'd gave every love and care I had in my previous chapter. But nope, still a lot more coming! 



My husband gives me a real meaning to this beautiful relationship. May Allah bless our marriage and let it be a means for us to become closer to Him in love and devotion. Let it be a source of untold blessings, happiness and joy. InsyaAllah. Aameen YRA.

Love,
Azreen


Jan 17, 2018

“I see you”

You were my fire, so I burned
Til' there was nothing left of me
I, I touched your face, I held you close
Til' I could barely breathe
Why give me hope, then give me up
Just to be the death of me
Save the rest of me
'Cause I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore, you hesitate
Now, now and then, you come around, like there's something left for me
We were one, we were everything
I'm still here, but I'll just keep the rest of me
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore, so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore, you hesitate
We never made it, you hesitated, I don't believe
That I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore, you hesitate
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore, so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore, you hesitate, hesitate
You were my fire, so I burned, now there's nothing left of me